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04/10/2006: "Monday Review by Christopher Folino"

First off, a special thank you to Dave “Reese” Hanson for being our guest blog writer, it was cool to read the excitement in Hanson’s blog and I felt like he took us with him on the set and we were right there when he discovered Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breast and lost all control of his ability to be funny in a blog. You missed you're own viewing of the show? Who the hell do you think you are now Hanson? Kevin Kirkpatrick?

I watched the show with my five year old daughter who was seriously pissed off that Dave Hanson and Scott Allen Rinker were only on for two minutes and to say the rest of the episode sucked without them, is an insult to the word “sucked!”
My daughter kept yelling at the television “They need more Scott Allen Rinker and Dave Hanson!”
The kid has loyalty to “Gamers” and that’s really what saved her this weekend when I came home on Friday and found all her Barbies lined-up naked with one sole Ken doll inspecting them…naked.
What the hell kind of playtime is this?
I’m standing in my living room, looking at 25 naked Barbies and one Ken doll who is pretty girlie looking. So, I was hoping it was an audition for some naked “Bob Fosse” musical.
So, I called her into the room and I noticed she had been crying hard I asked her what was wrong? And she told me that at the school on Friday that her special friend “Spencer” didn’t play with her at all. “It was all about some new girl at school who Spencer appears to like more.
I stopped for a moment and I looked in her eyes and let out a fatherly “Ohhhh” Boo f-ing who! At least you didn’t find him making out with another little boy then maybe I’d take the time out and we’d have to watch the new Rosie O’Donnell documentary to explain it all!
I told it to her straight “You’re five, get use to heartbreak! If it isn’t a film festival director “lecturing how “Gamers” isn’t the kind of art they want to showcase!” it’s an ass munch film distributor promising you “a magic rainbow of endless gold for just thirty percent!” and you see them driving away from the meeting in a jacked-up Ford Focus.
Listen girlie girl, life isn’t fair, and while you’re heart is breaking let’s come clean shall we? There is no Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy, Snuggles, and it now appears Judas was a good guy and “personality isn’t enough”, don’t listen to those bitches on the “View”! So don’t chub up! Now, go “Beer Me” and make sure you don’t get your “little tears” in my beer and make it flat…again!

My brother Steven finally had his 40th birthday party celebration at his house and his band played. It’s been years since I heard him play guitar and man does he suck. I’m joking, he’s all “Johnny Cash” now and he’s a country “Bad Ass” on the guitar and the rest of the band was excellent. I will let you all know when their next gig is.

What else? I got a voice message from Kelly LeBrock and she called Harry Knowles and told him to watch “Gamers”. So Harry, go watch the fucking movie! Apparently two phone calls from me, Christopher Folino doesn’t even faze you Austin boy! However, you kiss Kelly LeBrock’s ass and promise you’ll watch the movie!
Like you pretend you don’t me? Obviously, you never worked in a Home Depot store where you had a three percent chance of seeing my corporate videos!
That was pretty damn cool of Kelly LeBrock though.
Lastly, I’m excited the great actor Scott Allen Rinker will be our guest blog writer starting Tuesday through Thursday!