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04/05/2006: "What the hell happened to Barbie by Christopher Folino"

I came home and found the Barbie doll that my daughter pretends to be her, naked and missing one leg. Sure enough the Ken doll she pretends is the boy she likes at school is missing his pants and was a few feet away from the one-legged naked Barbie. I looked at my wife and asked “What the hell is going on?” She dismissed the whole thing as an innocent act, I don’t see it the same way.
I grew up with two older brothers and I never saw a Barbie until my daughter was born.
The only girl doll we had was Star Trek’s Lieutenant Uhura, so basically between our GI JOE Dolls, Superman, Batman and Robin and Starsky and Hutch dolls, Uhura was very very popular. However, my point being is that Hutch never roughed Uhura and left her naked and legless. Hell Superman, Batman, and Kung-Fu Action Grip GI JOE would all bring Uhura gifts from their super secret missions and if they had a bad day on the field, they didn’t come home and ripe her legs off and leave her naked!
What the hell is going on? Is this the early stages for a serial killer?
I knew this guy once in his twenties who I grew up with and honest to God, be-heading one of his friends over a mere thousand dollars and I remember this guy was nine he had this horrible habit of entering other people’s houses without knocking. So if anyone enters my office at work without knocking on my door, I tell him or her the story. It freaks them out, however, the sane people remember to knock next time.
I may have to stop lying to my daughter about her twin brothers and how each and every night the twins steal the car and attempt to bring their sister back something cool. Every morning she wakes up and asks me “Where did my twin brothers go last night? The lie just gets more elaborate and the crime more serious, for example I told her they attempted to go the Nickelodeon studios and kidnap “Josh and Drake” so they would be perform a song for their sister when she wakes up in her room. She’ll look at me and say “the twins are small, Josh and Drake are bigger.” And I’ll respond “Yes, however, you’re brother have lasers that can stun people” She won’t bat an eye and blurt “How, did they carry them, the twins are little?”
I’ll just look her in the eye and lie “Your brothers just juice up a little bit, like Barry Bonds before they go out and they get temporary strength plus twelve”
At that point she’ll lose interest.
I’m hoping these little “white elaborate lies” train her to be a “creative writer” if not I’m screwed.
What else is going on? I finally realized after talking smack about Worldwide Entertainment who they were. That’s Roger Corman’s company! We got rejected for distribution by Roger Corman, that’s like being a male action figure at my house and getting rejected by Uhura! Those are some bad odds!