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04/01/2006: "National Lampoon for hire by Christopher Folino"

“So if you want our companies incredible resources of owning the college age market, the 18 to 24 age demographics you’ll need to provide us $500,000 to a million dollars and then we’ll consider distributing your movie.” Said the vice president of National Lampoon Pictures to me last night over the phone.
My mouth sort of froze between a look of “Are you fucking kidding me” with a hint of “hysterical laughter”, and a dash of “Is this an April Fools Joke?”
The man who reminded me of a mix between a used cars salesman and a student loan collector was dead serious.
He went on to say other classic and charming things like.
“I really didn’t get your movie, do you really think college kid’s will?” and my favorite “We are really not giving out the National Lampoon Presents title to just any movie, it’s mostly originally funded films that we believe in.”

Believe in? That’s a strong phrase when you recently have release such gems as

National Lampoon’s “Teed Off Too”
National Lampoon’s “Totally Baked: A Potumentary”
National Lampoon’s “Boobies”
National Lampoon’s “Cattle Call”
National Lampoon’s “Strip Poker”
National Lampoon’s “Pucked”
National Lampoon’s “Greek Games”
National Lampoon’s “Gold Diggers”
National Lampoon’s “Pledge This”

Each classics in their own minds I’m sure, however, “Gamers” wouldn’t even be called “National Lampoon’s Gamers, it was only being offered a kind of silent distribution partnership deal from National Lampoon. Wow, and I was starting to think by the wonderful movies they’ve released recently that they had a sort of “Amway” thing going where if you paid enough you could release a movie called “National Lampoon’s I eat six day old ass.”
When I was young the words “National Lampoon” were kind of sacred, the radio show was hysterical and edgy and they made classic movies like “Animal House” and “Vacation”.
I tried telling the guy in a polite way that I thought “Gamers” could help restore and attract a wider audience than what they currently have in their line-up and that our movie will be a “cult classic” and that it’s extremely “original” However, silence pretty much was the response from the other end of the phone call.
We talked a little more and despite the fact that it was a disappointing development for distribution, it wasn’t the end of the world. The movie will find a good home, it has good parents, parents who if they had 500K or a million dollars would go make another quality film.
Because after all, your name is your brand and once you sell out, there’s no getting it back. No matter if you make a movie called “Boobies”