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03/26/2006: "True Stories by Christopher Folino"

So the night of the premiere a bit of bad luck bit me in the ass, I was helping carry some water and Monster drinks for the guest and the sound of a pop came from my left knee.

Fantastic, the next strangeness occurred the day after the showing.
We drove a copy of the movie down to a residential home up in Topanga Canyon around 7PM to get it to an important person in the industry. The guy gets home at 8PM and the package we left for him in his mailbox got stolen.
Who the hell steals mail from rich people? That’s so lame.
We have a special screener code on every movie we send out, so, if the movie shows up on Bit Torrent or Kazza we’ll be able to tell. So that was a lovely experience.
So, my next bit of weirdness comes from calling a distributor, let’s call them by their real name Worldwide Entertainment Corporation. I called them and spoke to the contact person and asked if they needed a screener copy and she shot back in a rather bitchy cold “I don’t have a heart” voice “Oh no, we saw it. Not interested.”
Man, I don’t mind if you hate the movie, its just wow, thank you putting a cherry of “hate” on top of that rejection.
It’s nice to know Hollywood doesn’t stereotype “bitches”
And if you work at Worldwide Entertainment Corporation and your reading this “Well, your distribution person is about as charming as the cancer that killed my mother.” And speaking of my dead mother, she has more warmth right now than your distributor.

So speaking of Hare, and in need of some good news I phoned Harry Knowles from “Ain’t it cool news” who we sent a screener copy of the movie two weeks ago. Wow, my charm knew no boundaries that day, Harry was as interested in speaking to me as my high school prom date Mary Lynn. Honest to God, the girl spoke six words to be the whole night. The first words were when she discovered there was no booze in the limo and the other was when we watched everyone dance slow and fast dance she offered to recite the Hare Krishna song for me.
It was a brutal night, my folks had spent money they didn’t have, and I thought because we both were Italian, Hungarian and Czechoslovakian that there would be connection. That connection was equal to how John Travolta thought making “Battlefield Earth” would connect with an audience.

Well, apparently Harry Knowles is Italian, Hungarian, and Czechoslovakian because, I got a mental picture as I was turning on the “Folino prom charm” he was urinating on the screener copy before he placed it in his trash and set it on fire.
Serious, I timed the phone call, it lasted all but a minute and forty seconds, of which I spoke for a minute and thirty-five seconds.
Well one thing I’m not is a quitter! I figured I need some star power so I called Michael Bell and Kelly LeBrock to see maybe they could call or email Harry and convince him to screen the movie.
Well as luck would turn out, a few years ago Harry and Michael Bell emailed each other and Harry is a huge Michael Bell fan.

So what does the great Michael Bell do for me? He writes the following email to Harry.
Regardless of Harry responds, how frickin cool and funny is Michael Bell?
Serious?
Harry,
Thought I had died didn't you? Hah, us voice folk live
forever....correction..us Vegetarian voice folk live forever.
I have been keeping up with your career ( only because mine has slowed
down to the point that I have considered doing infomercials for Depends
). You are the Phillip Seymour Hoffman yenta of the Internet set.So
proud of you..but not enough to let my neighbor who produces Queer as
Folk know that I know you.
Ok, enough gletting ( yiddish for sucking up ). I need something from
you and hope I am still an icon in your youthful id to get it granted.

I recently narrated a film. Yes, they like me, they really etc.

It is funny, cogent, pithy, terse,trenchent and life affirming..not
unlike Todd Slaughter's "Freaks".

I want you to screen it or whatever it is you do on your old 10 inch
Philco and review it.

Needless to say it is an indie and much rides on it...including the life
of an inner city child with one arm on a dialysis machine, and most of
the children in Darfur..not to mention my career.

The film is called...GAMERS. You will like it..better yet love it..or I
will release the photo I have of you going down on Kathy Bates while
getting porked by Paulie Shore.

Don't be a putz and snort with disdain,which I have an audio tape of you
doing (at least I think it was disdain you were snorting). I love Chris
Follino who wrote and produced the film. He is ( as my friends Barbi and
Sia Shane who you will never meet say ) The real deal. He banked his
house and 3 kids on this piece and it is worth my time and pride to
grovel to all who can help get it out there to look at it.
We gotta get this fucker a good release so he can move on and make more
films..preferably
WITH ME AND EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IN THEM.

SHIT..hit the fucking whatever key and sent the piece without signing
off. How Susan Silver of me!

Ok, Harry. I'm finished. Don't make me sorry I did this. I am too old
for recriminations.

Love ( without committment),
Michael Bell
formally known as..
The Man