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03/14/2006: "The Ghost and Mr. Folino..."

March 14th, 2006

In a quiet town not unlike your own (if you live in a quiet town) a silent cry has gone out into the night (which begs the question: who will hear it... let's move on). Where is the erstwhile director and torch-bearer of the soon to be infamous film Gamers: The Movie? Our "avid" readers may have noticed his mysterious absence from these pages over the last few days. Speculation has run rampant. Here are the top theories being investigated:

Was he abducted by aliens looking for a "good time"? Are the strange lights over the silent soccer fields of Argentina a sign that Chris needs our help? Has anyone contacted NASA? Will each sentence in this paragraph end with a question mark?????

Has Mr. Folino fallen afoul of foreign interests that threatened to make Sushi out of him if he didn't give up the secret formula for the horse juice (as seen in the upcoming movie Gamers: The Movie. For a preview of this scene and others go to: http://www.gamers-themovie.com/download.htm)? An eye-witness on the scene reported seeing Mr. Folino being forced into the back of a French Bread van (with blacked out windows no less) by a group of apron-wearing little people. They are said to have pummeled him with numerous blows in order to spirit him away.

Perhaps he will be found in the belly of the recently reported Great White Shark seen circling the local beachfront waters (possibly looking for parking). Everyone knows how much Chris liked to walk along the sand by the moonlight and let the salty spray refresh and reinvigorate his tired soul. Alas, he may never again get to frolic in the shallow waters with his frisky dolphin playmates. A hearty EEEEEIIIIIIiiiiii, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiii, click, click, click to you, his dolphin companions, if you are reading this.

Mr. Folino took ill after scouting locations for his next picture, a period drama to rival Mel Gibson's upcoming all-Mayan film. Few details have come to light, but it appears that while in Argentina, he may have been infected by a swarm of rabid guerilla squirrels inflamed by the fires of revolution. These squirrels don't secret away nuts, they bust caps! In their breasts beats the drum of freedom, they will no longer be oppressed! Was Chris Folino forced to be a mule for their cause? What did he bring back to the good ol' U.S. of A. that made him sick? Do we want to know? Have we a right to know? Which of us could truly understand what Chris has been through?

Now let's attempt to separate fact from fiction with our senior field reporter, Melissa Rivas. She was quoted as saying "He is reported missing and possibly deleeeeeeeeeeeeerious. I strongly suspect that genetically engineered super-smart monkeys have forced him to sit in a dark room and edit their monkey propaganda recruiting films, much like the puppet for ape liberation, Michael Moore. If that be true, then I hope his death be quick."

That's my story (for now) and I'm sticking to it (at this moment). Goodnight world and get well Mr. Folino, wherever you are. May your weary head find peace on a pillow of comfort, not a comforter of shame.

Paul Rivas, Fictitious News Correspondent