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02/02/2006: ""TV/Cinema frustrations in my lifetime" by Christopher Folino"

This will be a two-part blog, the first is dedicated to my frustrations from the ages of 5 to 16 with TV and Cinema. Part two coming tomorrow.


First frustrations with TV/Cinema

Age 5-10

Davey & Goliath –I knew the cartoon had to suck when my Catholic grade school would let us watch it. I would dream that Goliath would stop talking retarded-like and just take a big old chunk out of Davey!
For some reason I also kept praying Gumby and Pokey would cross over to this crap cartoon show and would go “Brokeback” on Davey!
I wanted to taste “Clay blood” as a child! However, I was forced to see “acts of goodness” over and over again!
That’s what you get when the creator consults with the church for a cartoon.

Speed Racer –Other than wondering why Speed just didn’t check the trunk before each race to make sure that Spritle and Chim, Chim, weren’t hiding there, I never questioned this awesome violent piece of work!
Serious Pops, just needed to put a lock on the trunk on Mach 5!


Star Wars Holiday Special –No child under the age of eight should ever turn to his older brother and say “Man, this show sucks! Serious, what the hell is this crap?”
My eyes still burn today Mr. Lucas, they still burn today.


Remember the TV show “Emergency?” When I was a kid I thought Dr. Kelly Brackett and Captain “Henry Stanley were the same guy.
It would frustrate me as a kid that some casting agent would allow this to happen, and hence ruin my viewing experience.


The Cylon Centurions kill ratio on the original “Battlestar” Galactica has to be lowest ever in cinema history. At some point I was rooting for one of those bastards robots to kill any character with a gun. Hell, even a ricochet would have been fine by me! I have never seen such horrible shooting. I believed the Storm troopers from “Star Wars” sucked because at the time I thought they were human, and their helmets prohibited them from “good visual” killing.
However, a robot programmed to be horrible marksmen is just a crime against evil. The Tech guy who programmed the Cylons should be kicked in the nuts.


Age 10-16

Super Friends –Why the hell did the chick from the “Wonder Twins” get to be all the cool animals and her brother was always a form of water. I figured the writer had to be the same person who created those horrible “Davey and Goliath” TV shows.

The Dukes of Hazzard –Sometime, in the middle of the second season I had enough, I wrote a fan letter to Boss Hogg and told him to just kill the Duke boys in cold blood. Serious, do you know how many cars you’ve lost because of them? I think the entire town would help you cover up their killings.” I never did hear back from old Boss Hogg on that letter.

Indian Jones and the Temple of Doom –My mom let me skip school for this piece of crap? Before, getting your heart broken by a woman, this was the first movie that made my heart hurt! How could things go so wrong? Did the lady writer from Davey & Goliath get hired as a ghost writer?