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01/13/2006: "Dave Hanson Strikes Back!"

Well I am back ladies and gents. That is right, Dave Hanson aka Reese has returned to the blog. So there are a few things I want to take issue with before I get into story telling mode.
First off Chris has taken a day off to spend with the family and asked me to write a blog. So that’s why I am writing.

Second issue is with the Dead Gentlemen. Now Chris is too polite and professional to deal with you guys in the public forum. I, however, am not. I could give a rat’s ass about being polite to you. I saw you guys at GenCon. And frankly, just like your "movie", you don't look like much. So I'm happy to take my pop shots out here in the wide open internet. Gentlemen, lets agree that you boys started attacking us first. For no reason other than that you realized that we have an actual feature film, shot on 35mm, with actors about a subject matter similar to your project. And by actors I mean people who make their living acting. People who have studied the craft of acting. Trained at institutes to develop their talent into a skill. Not "buddies" with whom you play make believe with. How dare you come onto our website and complain and bitch on our forum. How dare you make nice with out producers and director through email, offering friendship and joint publicity and then insult us on your website with your petty review of our Film.
What's the matter, boys? Feeling a little insecure that an actual movie has shown up on your turf? Feeling bad that another film maker played D&D? Grow up. How about you guys spend a little time focusing on your film making rather than on the better film makers working in your genre? Until then, there's nothing neither gentle nor manly about you. You’re just a bunch of dead boys. So like a good boy, Shut the hell up and watch the grown-ups go to work.

Thirdly, to the actor who put his name on IMDB as playing the same role as me, who got replaced before we began shooting: What the hell are you thinking? Seriously dude, be man about it. You’re not in this movie. Let’s not hold onto pathetic "Should have beens", "Could have beens" and "Wish they weres". You got cut. YOUR NOT IN THIS FILM. Did you think no one would notice or were you trying to do a silent protest? Like a clandestine internet nerd terrorist, screwing up credits on IMDB.com. You know what that says? Pathetic. Why don't you sack up and move on, ok? I know you. I see you often. You’re a nothing but a little Cock-ring. Let's see if you can look me in the eyes next time we cross paths.

And now, for you loyal and bored readers I will get to the story part of this blog. This part of the blog is entitled "The Most Awesome Night At The Improv".
At the end of November, a slow night at the Improv. The late show. A pretty good line up consisting of such talent as Greg Fitzsimmons, Gary Gullman, Gene Pompa and Jimmy Shubert. A slow evening at the Improv. A few comics and friends at the bar, drinking on this November Thursday night. A few more smoking outside. In the show room are maybe twenty-five people. Some couples, a few Australian kids from the Hollywood Hostile here to watch an American comedy show. Two middle age men, one large and one small, watch the show. One with a comb over and a mullet sips a whiskey and the other, short with glasses, drinks a beer. Greg Fitzsimmons (this year's host of the AVN awards in Las Vegas) finishes his set. The host, Carroll Seven, shakes his hand and begins to bring up the next comic: Gary Gullman.
Garry Gullman, you may have seen, on "Last Comic Standing II". A Boston native, he stands at 6'6". Good looking with an easy nature about him, Gary played middle linebacker for Boston College. For those of you not athletically inclined (Dead Gentlemen, Paul Reese) the middle linebacker is usually someone who likes to hit people. He is right in the middle of it. You have to be built to play middle linebacker, especially for a football team like the one at Boston College. It's a fact that your reminded of every time you shake hands with Gary Gullman. You see, Gary from his demeanor and his jokes is a very laid back kind of guy. Nice. Polite and well spoken. Not rough or angry. Nor is he rude or spiteful. His jokes are about benign subjects such as cookies, fruit and his nose. He talks to the audience as a whole as opposed to talking at specific members of the audience. He is what one would call a good guy. But not this night.
As Gary took the stage he decided to banter off of what the last comic and the host joked about, the man with comb over mullet (on his third whiskey at this point). Gary, who’s hair, is “shaggy” and shoulder length commented on the man’s bad choice in hair style. The man shot back a comment on Gary’s hair. Soon both were shooting off insults. Comb-over’s not nearly as sharp or cutting as Gary’s. But what can one expect from someone who is not a comic? The show has been disrupted. And soon the show room manager, Mac, moves in and tells the two gentlemen that they have disrupted the show and must leave. But as they are being ushered out of the show room, insults are still being shouted from them to Gary and from Gary to them.
“You’re a real piece of shit!” the Mullet Comb-over yells.
Gary has had enough. He drops the mic and all 6’6” of him steps off the stage.
“Take your best shot.” Gary says, arms open wide, inviting.
A glass, half filled with whiskey, sails through the air and strikes Gary in the head. Chaos.
Gary, with a quite a reach, starts swinging. He connects on his first punch with the little guy in the head. The little man goes down into the curtain (which was pulled close for half the show room due to the small audience). With his buddy flailing in the curtain, Mullet steps towards Gary, through Mac who was still trying to control the situation. In the distance Gary’s girlfriend screamed.
I came into the show room just as Gary put the little guy down on the ground (again) and planted a solid left hook into the face of Mullet, who fell into me. Mac grabbed Gary by the waist and I moved in to usher these guys out of the club. To aid me cam Gene Pompa, A New York guy. Using a loud voice he tried to confuse these gentlemen with an authoritive voice, using phrases like, “Let’s go guys. Your out of here!” and “We’re calling the cops! You don’t want any more trouble.”
The other side of Gene is that he likes to fight, like most comics. So, it being dark and the two guys confusing, Gene took it upon himself to sucker punch Mullet in the dark. The guy was so turned around he had no idea that a whole new person was punching him in the face. By the time we got them out into the bar area they were shaking our hands apologizing to us for disturbing the show, even though their faces were swelling at the same time. Fat lips and bruises were beginning to appear on their faces and they were shaking hands with one of the guys who hit them. They left in a hurry, realizing the embarrassment of losing a fight and having a comb-over mullet.
Carol Seven got on stage and said, “How much money would we pay right now to have Ashton Kutcher come out and tell us we’ve all been punk’d?”
At the end of the show, one of the Australian students was over heard saying, “Best show I’ve ever seen, mate! Now hows about ‘nother Fosters!”