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12/29/2005: "Thursday night of Ranting by Christopher Folino"

We are shooting some new scenes this week, and here’s a kind of funny and pathetic production story about the troubles we’re having securing an elderly woman over the age of eighty who is willing to participate in a very “Non-PC” scene.
With no luck in finding a “Non-PC” elderly woman, I called the king of “Non-PC” Michael Bell who plays the narrator in our movie, and I was like “Hey Michael, do you know any old people who would appear in our movie for a quick scene that’s really offensive? It’s for a scene where Gordon is talking to Paul about how he’s been “zooming” for his public access job and I want to cut to an example of his “zooming” abilities and show an elderly woman picking the wining numbers on a Bingo Show for Public access.
I was about to get into the offensive material, when I noticed my wife and daughter are looking at me. So, somewhere my morality meter kicks in I start to talk in “code”, because, my daughter is only four and a half and I don’t want to her think dad’s a complete “ass-monkey”.

So, I continue on with Michael. “And the running gag in the film is that Gordon is a horrible camera operator. Gordon’s camera is all over the place, until he just racks focus on her chest and he holds onto the shot for 20 seconds. It’s sick, very uncomfortable, and very sick. However, I think it will work!”
I start laughing at just the though of this scene, and I look at my wife who has her head down in shames, and my daughter looks at me like I’m some evil troll who just poisoned Strawberry Shortcake’s main water supply.

And without missing a beat, Michael Bell replies, “I’ll ask my mom” Man, I love that guy.
Is it sad for me to hope that his eighty-year mother still has a little bit of cleavage?
I think Gordon fixating on the boobs of an eighty-year woman is the kind of scene that will get us on the Lifetime network or on the Sundance channel!

I do believe I’m going to hell for this movie and I’m sure I’ve destroyed relationships with relatives, my former high school principal and distributors.

Thank God my mother is dead, I’m not sure how I would of approached her to do the “bingo scene” if she was alive.

Going back to the topic of “Strawberry Shortcake”, did a really fat diabetic guy come up with this concept? Skinny kid’s running around deserts and cakes with no parental supervision?
The acting and the singing in this box set is really a “special form of entertainment that can’t be described with any one word ” The kid’s who sing and act in this crap, make Tiffany Brissette, who played Vicki the robot in “Small Wonder” look like she’s Meryl Streep.

By the way “Small Wonder” is ranked 4,767 on IMDB MOVIEmeter, now that’s a fucking crime. And Tiffany who hasn’t worked since 1990 is ranked 5,196 on the STARmeter. Nice to know somebody at IMDB is doing “coke” off the back of a cat and apparently watching “Small Wonder” reruns. That’s the only way you can keep this “Abortion of Entertainment” high in the mysterious IMDB rankings.

And the person who wrote these songs, I believe it’s Andy Street, who is ranked 331,583 on the IMDB STARmeter, must of spent all of like five minutes coming up with the lyrics and the rest of the time doing “blow” off the back of his cat. No, make that “cats!” Because, in order to write that “crap” he has to have like five cats! There is no other explanation for this monstrosity.

Also, another thing that has always bugged me is the trailer for “Brother Bear” –We own every Disney DVD, and on like five of the DVDs is a promo for “Brother Bear” and my problem is with the voice over talent and the way he emphasis the tagline “Brother…Bear!” Oh, it makes my ears bleed! His delivery is so fake and you know the poor bastard was just taking direction from some idiot voice casting director who was like “make me feel the magic”, “Yes, I want to hear you smile when you say “Brother Bear!” God damn, it is a crime against mankind.

Then again zooming on an eighty year old woman’s boobs and passing that off, as entertainment is very questionable. That idea can only come somebody whose doing coke off his cat’s ass for like three days straight.