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12/26/2005: "After Christmas Blog by Christopher Folino"

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, my family has been sick most of the holiday and I attempted to write a "Christmas blog" that detailed every month of my life this past year and I couldn't post it. Good lord, it was too depressing, it was like a special episode of "Party of Five"

Cut to script meeting for "Party of Five"

"Okay, so far we killed the folks off in a horrible car accident...good stuff. The oldest brother has cancer, always a shoe-in for an Emmy! And the youngest sister has been kidnapped. Serious, that's true to life man, I feel uncomfortable taking my kid's even to El Monte any more! Jesus, and if your in Mexico and that shit happens, well, really how shocked can you be?”
“Okay, moving on, the other sister is on drugs! But, the kind you take for social pressure, so we can still look like “we give a shit about teenagers” and that we don't “piss off our sponsors!”
“So what's left for us to do on the show this week? Alien abduction? Let's save that one for sweeps week! Hey, what about same sex date rape? Oh, yeah! Perfect! But, let's make it happen to Scott Wolf's character! That's edgy! It would play great in Park City!”

cut back to present blog.

And to be honest why the hell would you want to read about my personal life and my struggle to not only become a director but to become a skater for the "Ice Capades?
That's right Ice Capades!

Could you imagine someone like Francis Ford Coppola leaving it all behind, to become like the guy who plays Abu, the monkey and dresses up for the “Disney Ice Capades” show of Aladdin?
"Sure, I've made all my movies the way I envisioned them, however, I had to use actors to bring my script to life and I feel only about 12.8 percent of the time that these "actors" are able to express “my vision.”
So, that's why I've turned to this new art form "on ice" where I'm able to bring new life to the character "Abu" through a mixture of fantastic "Ice moves" and “dance”.
For the first time, I'm free to move as much as I can in a forty pound costume. It's a little bit of heaven right here on earth at the Pico Rivera Swap Meet/outdoor Ice theater show this weekend with shows going on three times a day! And I got moves bitches! I can do a triple axel rose! Yeah, that's a real ice skating terms...bitch!"

I'm not sure if Francis Ford Coppola uses the word "bitches", but it would be cool to imagine he does!
"Yo, bitches!” I need ya'll to stop mumbling your "God damn lines!" Understood Al? And you Mr. "mumbles" Brando? Yeah, that's not acting! You sound like a “stroke victim masturbating!” What? Oh, look, I offended you “bitches” with that comment? Well Papa of Superman, why don't you send an “Indian woman” to my dresser to protest? And you know what? Just because a person has a stroke, doesn't mean he's going to give up masturbation! But, I'm off track here! You sound like a stroke victim, speak clearly or I'll cut your ass out my movie you "bitches!"
Yeah, “bitches” that's what I said! Oh, Okay, be little “bitches” now and run off and cry to Duvall, I'll “skull suck” you all I swear to God!"

Wow, look at the way this blog is shaping us so far! You're still reading huh? You poor bastard!
I'm not sure what "Skull suck" is, however, I didn't want to go with the obvious "Skull Fuck!".

So, 2005 was wonderful in welcoming two new twin boys 10 weeks early to our family and the fact my wife didn't kill me.
That is how I measure the success of each year. “Did the wife kill me? Not this year. I was sure this would be the year! I kind of destroyed our house for the movie, missed about 97.5 percent of her stay in the hospital after the pregnancy and spent the money on the mini-van to pay off SAG for the movie! And I gained weight also and expanded my cursing to include more "edgy racial slurs!" ! I was a real “catch” in 2005!
However, I’m still alive! Yes! I still have a few days left of 2005, so she could always be waiting!

I could go on about my daughter and my family for the rest of the blog!
My daughter is almost five and she’s pretty smart. The only area I think she can improve on is “knowing when her parents lie to her”. For example, I find it hard to believe that she hasn’t questioned my wife on the lie about how “daddy sees Santa Claus every day while driving to work” and we talk.
What the hell? I’m in my Honda and what does Santa do? Does he pulls up next to me on a reindeer or a Volvo?
The whole thought of this really bugs me, because, my folks lied to me about Santa also and when my church group had Santa come visit I was outside to say “goodbye” to him and that’s when I learned “Santa wasn’t real!”
Because at my lovely school in El Monte, CA, Santa car got his car stolen and Santa started cursing like “Francis Ford Coppola!”
And the sad part was that Santa was driving a Pinto. Who the “hell” would still Santa’s Pinto? It was heart breaking and humorous at the same time, kind of like losing your virginity!

Enough family for now, However, 2005 was the year of shooting on 35MM twice!
Yes, after 20 years of dreaming of making a production on film, I got to do it two times and with some incredible people.

And that story will be saved for the next blog!