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11/11/2005: ""Chris Folino's dark past" by Scott Allen Rinker"

Wow. I’m in a state of total wow, right now, having just read Chris’ blog. People have been calling me from all over (even as far as Santa Clarita) saying, “Dude, can you believe what Chris wrote? He totally donkey punched you in his blog.”

So, I guess it’s time this little story came to light. I wanted to save it for the week before his first festival but my hand has been forced.

In doing my research for the film, I stumbled across this news article from 1986 that puts Mr. Folino in a whole new light. And explains a lot about the strangeness of this production.


From the Ventura Times Dispatch
June 21, 1986

Youth Arrested in Sexual Witchcraft Case
By Hugh Jwong

A Newbury Park youth was arrested today after what police are calling the largest manhunt in Agoura history. Chief of Police Mike Hunt said, “After a search that lasted more than 20 minutes we’ve caught this bastard. Ventura County can sleep easier tonight knowing we’ll be prosecuting him to the fullest extent of the law. I don’t care that he’s 15 or 90, no one practices sexual Satanism in my town.”

The youth, Christopher Peter Folino (18) was taken to the county courthouse pending arraignment on charges of sexual deviancy, public nudity, contributing the delinquency of a minor (known only as Kevin S.), bestiality, sodomy, and “pretty much whatever else we can charge the dimwit with.” said Chief Hunt.

The incident began when residents of Newbury Park began placing 911 calls, claiming to have heard a murder taking place at 9221 Gaylord Lane. Police responded within the hour and, citing probable cause, entered the residence upon hearing someone in the garage scream, “Yes! Do me like an orc!”

They encountered a scene, “straight outta some sick porn film,” says Patrolman Richard Weed. “The place was covered in all this strange writing. I mean, really freaky symbols and alien looking stuff, like ancient Greek or something. There were candles burning all over the place and a dry ice machine hooked up to the refrigerator. It musta been 120 degrees in there, like Hell, you know?”

When asked to elaborate, he added, “The walls were covered with these faggoty band posters of Culture Club and Wham. It’s a sight I’m gonna have trouble getting rid of.
It was in the center of the room that we found them, and…” Patrolman Weed chokes up, “The young skinny one was trussed up like a damn thanksgiving turkey and hanging from the garage door opener. He was covered in Crisco and ladies lipstick, and was being sexually assaulted by the larger one (Folino). He was naked and covered in what smelled like cat (feces) and had leaves and twigs twisted into his hair and stuff. He was yelling, ‘who’s your orc daddy? Who’s your orc daddy?’

Veteran officer, Phil Iskrak, said, “When we burst in, Folino must have cast some kinda spell or something ‘cause there was a flash of light and this big puff of smoke and when it cleared, he’d run off. Oh, and there was a dancing midget in the corner, I think, but no one else seems to have seen him.”

The police searched the surrounding woods and neighborhood and finally discovered Folino attempting to hide in a little girl’s Smurf Village Playhouse.

Iskrak described the encounter. “When we approached, he jumped up and started waving his arms about and hopping from foot to foot screaming, ‘Magor will protect me, Magor will protect me!’ So we shot him with the Taser. His last words before he fell over were, ‘Don’t call my mom.’”

Folino’s attorney, Harry Bajyna from the Public Defenders Office, says this was all a sad mistake and that the youths were simply, “engaged in a role-playing game called ‘Orcs and Virgins’ and our defense will show this to be another case of law enforcement overreacting to situations.”

“I don’t know about the role-playing nonsense,” said Chief Hunt, “but I will say this, he’s a freak. Decent people shouldn’t have to live near weirdos like that. And do you have any idea how many cats you’d have to squeeze to get enough (feces) to cover a boy that big. It’s just downright sick.”



So there you have it, folks, in all its troubling truth. I couldn’t find out what came of the court case since the records are sealed, but you now know what we went through on this shoot.

I probably should have realized something was off when, at the audition, Chris asked me, “Have you ever seen a clown naked?”

Oh, and Kevin, I’m sorry to bring all this back out into the open but our readers deserve answers. So be a man for once and admit what happened to you. In the immortal words of G.I. Joe, “Knowing is half the battle,” my friend.