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11/07/2005: "Screening with Kelly LeBrock -Not so good by Chris Folino"

Manuel and I went to visit Kelly LeBrock recently with the hopes of showing her the film and having her help promote the movie.
The woman lives fucking far, and then far and finally fucking farther away. Go past Santa Barbara and drive an hour and half past civilization.
Hell, the post-office won't deliver to her home, because she doesn't have a paved road.
We come upon a dirt road that goes three miles, you pass roaming horses, and her place is so huge that if you stand on her roof, you can't see a neighbor’s house for six miles in any direction.
She has a bear living on her property which is like the size of a nation forest.

Well, first off she looks fantastic. We were oh so lucky to get her in our movie while she was "beefing up" for the VH1 show two months ago, now she's really thin.
She's doing some celeb diet program thing with other celebs that will air in January.

Well, Kelly was nice as ever until we got to her viewing room to watch the movie.
She has a guy who helps keep the ranch going named Jose or something and he's in there watching the movie "The Last Sunset" with Pierce Brosnan and Salma Hayek.

So, Jose is kind enough to pop our movie in, however, it doesn't work. He starts to point out how "The Last Sunset" is a real movie and it works fine, not like our movie.
Kelly is starting to shout "I'm bored!" and "Nice screening"
I look at the DVD player and fuck! It's like from eight years ago and made by a brand name you can really trust...Okawana or some shit.
So, the fucking DVD never works, Kelly doesn't mind, she doesn't watch TV or read books. She's like a fucking cowgirl who would prefer to wrestle a bear or some out-doors shit.
She takes us on a hike, lovely property. It's like mid nineties, I'm dying. She's sweating also. Yes, I almost died going back up hill.

She takes us inside her house, and we have lunch. Great lunch, beef Wellington and while we are eating lunch she gets a phone call and starts shouting for joy in the French language! Her friend just walked again! The guy who is in his eighties had a stroke and the Doctor's told him he wouldn't be able to walk again.
Well Kelly hooks the guy up with some hypobaric chamber procedure they use in Scuba Diving and some other treatments and the guy is calling her to thank her, he's walking again!

That's right Kelly LeBrock, super model, actress, and healer. That's a hell of a resume.
It was impressive; I was going to ask if she could bring my mom back from the dead, however, I thought that might have been poor manners.

Well, what do you after Kelly LeBrock helps a man walk again? Celebrate! No! You show her your movie on Manuel's computer which has no power cable.

The computer dies ten minutes into the screening, she's got another appointment.

We say goodbye and her parting words to me...not "The movie looks good" or "Good luck"
No, it's "Go lose some weight!"

Yes, nothing like having the "It" girl from the eighties pump your ego up!

And we are waiting back to hear if she got to watch the rest of the film or if she'll come hang with us at Gen Con.

Folino oh so out.