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11/05/2005: "“Pass The Blogging Torch” by Scott Allen Rinker"

Well kids, the time has come for me turn over the blogging reins to whatever unlucky son of a bitch Chris has conned into it for the next week. To whomever that is, I wish you the best of luck, since our faithful readers expect a lot and give back so little. But don’t let that dishearten you, I’m sure you’ll find a way to embarrass yourself without any help from me.

Now, for the final blog, what’s it to be? I’ve thought long and hard about this and gotta say, well… I’ve got nothing.

So here’s some bits of a blog I abandoned for one reason or another:

From: “Ten things I’ve learned about Hollywood”

1. There is no such thing as Penis Envy out here. Instead we have Trailer Envy, it’s kind of the same thing on a psychological level. Only bigger.

2. The 15 minutes of fame rule is dead. Or rather, it’s not dead, it’s just subject the same inflationary rules as the U.S. dollar. So today we have dipshits enjoying up to 6 months of notoriety for doing nothing more than being able to eat pickled horse scrotums without vomiting.

3. The best way to become rich and famous in Hollywood is to have rich and famous parents. Talent is not a necessity.

And that’s where I dropped it. Sad that after 8 years in Hollywood, that’s pretty much all I’ve figured out, huh? Of course, if I knew more about this town I’d probably be doing films that paid in actual dollars and wouldn’t have contracts that said “As many taquitos and cheetos as you can eat.” I do have to say the Cheetohs were tasty. Stale, but tasty.

However, would a Coke have broken the budget?

I want to take a moment for shameless self promotion here: I’ll be guest starring on “Charmed” Nov. 13th at 8pm on the WB. I play Sollal, a sort of genius, demon whipping boy of the Villain of the week. I really got to talk to my agent about this, there seems to be a pattern developing here. Anyway, check it out and enjoy.

To my fellow cast mates, I want to say thanks again for the wonderful experience of working near you. I hope to eventually be allowed in to your cool boy clique and maybe have a conversation or two. I also hope to see you all again in two weeks at Gen Con when we show those fuckers from Iowa what Ghetto DND is all about.

To Chris and all the Producers, I want to say thanks for making this film such a great ride. It was very nearly a pleasure to work with all of you and someday, when I’ve had a lobotomy or two, I’d love to do it again.

I’d also like to give a shout out to Chris Hollyfield whom no one seems to have mentioned to date. You provided one of my favorite moments during the production when we dared you to lift Kevin Kirkpatrick on your shoulders. The sight of him slung like a sack of potatoes around your neck will stay with me forever. And the shot of you with the water hose in the film is priceless. Thanks for flying all the way out to be a part of this film and for putting up with being stuck in what can only be described as “white bread hell.” I got nuthin but love for ya, man.

Finally, a thank you to the 10 of you who’ve read this blog for a week. I know it wasn’t easy, but you stuck with it and that takes heart. Or stupidity. Can never remember which it is, but whatever it is, heart or stupidity, you’ve got it. So thanks.

And finally, finally, a confession. Everything I’ve written this week has been a complete fabrication. Total bullshit. Sorry for deceiving you but I just wanted to be liked, you know? The only true things in the entire sordid mess are these:

I did love every minute of working on this film.

I really do live in a country club sized mansion and have a private jet.

My name really is Scott Allen Rinker.

Or, is it?