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10/31/2005: "“Premature Blog-ulation” by Scott Allen Rinker"

First, gotta apologize for my premature blogging Saturday. I know I wasn’t supposed to post it until Sunday but what can I say, it was my first time and I got too excited. Happens to everyone at some point, I suppose. Sure, it never happens to Joe Nieves, but he’s a dwarven warrior with an 18 constitution.

So, on to today’s blogging material, why does Hollywood continually fuck up fantasy films? I’m not talking sci-fi stuff here, that’s a whole ‘nother problem. I mean serious fantasy type stuff here (LOTR, & Conan -the first one).

I suppose I should back that statement up with examples, but c’mon, other than the Lord of the Rings trilogy (which was shot in New Zealand, free of Hollywood manipulations) has there been a great fantasy film in like twenty years? Or even a halfway good one?

If you say, “Willow,” I swear I will kill you.

"Willow" had at its heart a great story, and some damn great actors (Val Kilmer before he got totally nutty) but what the hell was Lucas thinking letting Ron Howard direct it? If you want to make a sweet, nostalgic film about American history then sure, Opie’s your guy, but fantasy? That’s like hiring Tarantino to direct “Splash,” it’d be ok but not the same film. That said, Mr. Howard, if you decide to make a sequel to “Willow” I’d be thrilled to be a part of it. As long as I get a decent trailer.

Then, of course, there’s my favorite cock-up, the recent “Dungeons and Dragons: The Movie.” You get Jeremy Irons to star in your film… I take that back, I blame Jeremy for saying yes to this piece of shit in the first place. And Marlon Wayans? Are you serious?! Given all the great source material you could pull from in the D&D universe (there must be 600 Forgotten Realms novels alone) and this is the best you can come up with? Someone should kill Gary Gygax just so he can TURN IN HIS GRAVE whenever this film is mentioned.

And don’t get me started on “Clash of the Titans.” AAAARGH!

I mean, with all the great fantasy writers out there - Robert Jordan, Terry Brooks, R.A. Salvatore, to name a few- you gotta wonder how does this continue to happen? You can blame the writers, the directors, the production values but it goes higher than that, folks. It’s the shitheads at the studio level.

My first thought was that the money pinchers in L.A. just don’t get the material. Or don’t care about the audience, thinking, “If we only make one of these every couple years then these geeks will love whatever we put out”. So why bother doing something really good.
My amazing wife, Cathleen, summed it up best when she said that “fantasy films often fail because “they” (the producers, directors, and various other PTBs) refuse to make the fantastic REAL. Just like in any good movie, we must absolutely believe in that world. We have to care about the characters, journey with them as they face challenges beyond imagining. Cheer when they triumph… or weep when they die trying.” Her words, but they hit the nail on the head.

It’s the same fucking principle as any good dramatic material, the only difference being the milieu in which it’s told. But they can’t seem to grasp that. Why? Because they live in a world of numbers on spreadsheets and haven’t an ounce of imagination in their black little hearts.

Harsh? Maybe so, but fuck ‘em, it’s how I feel. Especially when they continue to turn out this crap. Frankly, they’re lucky I believe in gun control and don’t own any weapons except for my (+2) pocketknife and rubber-coated nun chucks. ‘Cause someday I’m gonna snap and get all medieval on their ass.

Let Chris know what you think, all seven of you loyal readers. Sorry, Chris, but you set me loose in this forum and now you see what ya get.

Gotta run now, “The Beastmaster,” is about to start on Showtime and I gotta get my semi-decent but mostly crappy fantasy fix.
Later.